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The Ghost Of You - My Chemical Romance |
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Confession 6
Sometimes... numbness is the only thing you can feel.
There are times in life, when all you can do is just sit, and stare, and just.... drown your sorrows in a bottle. That doesn't mean be wreckless. It just means being sad and drinking to forget, is better than being sad and dwelling on things while you're sober. And while you're surrounded by the world's most beautiful women, or a multitude of people who are pretending to be your friends ( because, let's face it, money can buy you the world... why not a couple hundred friends too? ), you still feel nothing. Not even anger because you're being used, or bitterness because you know you are.
Sometimes, people drink to forget, and I can sympathize. For a short while, a blissful while, you just... forget everything. It doesn't matter, whatever it was. You're happy, and everything just feels good. Maybe that's why drug addicts do what they do, just like alcoholics. They like the feeling of bliss for the short time they feel it.
Sure it ruins their lives, but if they can just get that perfect zen, then it's worth it for them. I'm not saying it's right, or fair, that's just what it is.
I'm not an alcoholic, not by any means, but I do enjoy drinking. It's a British thing. The Irish get a lot of slag for it, but really it's the whole of us as a nation. I don't have a problem with it, I don't do it all day, everyday. I do it every once in a while, and when I'm really upset. And usually I'm a very happy drunk, but maybe the situation is different now.
Confession 7
The truth will set you free.
So why is it most of us have to be inebriated to be able to say it? Why do we have to drink five pints before we can tell you that the way you sniffle every two minutes makes us want to hit a kittens with a frying pan? It shouldn't be that hard, and that's the first sign that things aren't right. It should be yours, and my, first indication that what is going on is no good.
Maybe it's the comfort we get from being able to say what we want, what we really, truly feel deep down. At the same time though, we can always say we were drunk if it does offend someone. The perfect scapegoat in any situation.
Confession 8
And it's hard at the end of the day.
Knowing you have nothing to come back to, nothing to look forward to. Just a dark and empty house, or hotel room. No messages on the machine, no endearing texts that make you feel warm and fuzzy. No one to talk to but the dog, which in a way is perfectly fine. He can't argue back and annoy me anyway. He doesn't judge, just puts his snout on my knee and licks my face in the morning... and that's how you know life is good.
It's an amazing relationship, really. A lifetime of friendship and the purest form of unconditional love for two meals a day, three walks, some toys, and peanut butter.
And really, when you've come off your buzz from the drink, it's hard to sit there and just think. Dwell, think, contemplate. It's all the same thing. All the things you were trying to get away from... they come back, and then there's no where to hide. It all comes flooding back, and you realize, okay, yeah, it hurts. But it's a different kind of hurt. It's the kind of hurt where you feel everything, and you sit and you wonder what to do with yourself because you don't know whether to punch something... or collapse into a heaping mess and sob until your lungs hurt and you just physically can't anymore.
Confession 9
Bright red violent sex
Seems to be the only way to solve the problems of the world. It's a good way to get your frustrations out, and so very fun. Everyone does it right? Sometimes you just have to in order to put everything behind you, and begin moving forward. I'm not saying to shag every person you see, or even get to know them too much, but at least know their name and be safe. Just because it's bright red violent sex doesn't mean you have to wake up in the morning to find out you've got some disease you can't cure.
Confession 10
I don't wanna be president, Superman, or Clark Kent
I hate feeling like this. Feeling like everything's just wrong is rubbish... something needs to be right in my life. Something, somewhere, if just something that seems tiny and insignificant. Or maybe that time when things were right is over. I would like to think not. Someone once told me if you have a good childhood, your adult life was bound to be a disaster, and vice versa. I hope not. I had a brilliant childhood. I had a brilliant start to the adult life too, it's just now it's all gone to shit.
I don't know if the personal life is worse than being sued by two old friends I haven't even seen in nearly a decade. And not just that I haven't seen them in almost a decade, but that they claim to have written songs I wrote being silly. Ten million pounds, that's nearly twenty million American dollars.
I used to want to be normal, this is one of those things that happens and makes you want to be an average bloke. That's not going to happen though, and to be honest, I think I'd quite miss the photographers hounding me. They've backed off since I came back home. The ones I've come to know can tell when something's wrong, they're nice. Patrick bought me a doughnut this morning. Nice bloke.
Anyway, it's almost seven, I should get a move on.
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